Sex After Baby: The Real Talk You Need to Hear

A mom’s testimony

Before my daughter arrived, the thought of it filled me with dread. After all, if sex was uncomfortable during the last trimester of pregnancy, why would it be any better after pushing a baby out?

The six-week postpartum check-up is a total lie, in my opinion. It feels like a standard timeline created by people who’ve never had a vaginal birth. Bleeding, stitches dissolving, and for C-section moms, a major abdominal incision to heal—six weeks just isn’t enough time. Yet, there you are, with your provider telling you that you’re “cleared” for sex. And for me, that meant a very enthusiastic husband suddenly keeping perfect track of my postpartum calendar.

For me, the date was pushed back a week to let a small spot near my stitches heal. I was honestly relieved. The last thing I wanted was to have anything enter my vagina after it had just been stretched to accommodate a 7lb 4oz baby. I needed a glass of wine and a “let’s just get this over with” attitude. My husband was thrilled; I was anticipating a painful experience, and it was. It felt like ripping off a band-aid that had been stuck on my skin for four months, and the pain made me fear sex for a long time. While celibacy sounded great, it wasn’t a real option since we want more children and I’d like to stay married!

Conveniently enough, my newborn class at The New Mom School had two subject matter experts come in and discuss both the physical and mental healing that is required during your postpartum experience, and how both of those can get in the way of our post-baby sex life. And while every woman is different, a lot of us feel scared, nervous, or even dread sex due to mental blocks or physical pain. Luckily, they were kind enough to answer some of my questions, and my hope is that they will help you navigate these waters if you find yourself dealing with anything mentioned above. First up, Whitney Sippl, DPT, WCS, CPT:

Q: Why does sex sometimes hurt after baby (for both vaginal and cesarean births)?

A: The three most common causes are:

Vaginal dryness – This can last as long as you’re breastfeeding and up to three months after. Use plenty of lube to reduce friction. If pain continues, the cause may be one of the next two.
Pelvic floor tightness – Muscles can hold tension (like knots in your back or shoulders), which makes penetration painful. A pelvic floor physical therapist can help release this tightness.
Scar tissue sensitivity – Whether from a perineal tear or C-section, scar tissue can create restrictions or pain. Scar massage—on your own or with guidance from a pelvic floor PT—often helps.

Q: How long should a woman “put up” with pain during sex after baby?

A: The first couple times may be uncomfortable, but after that sex should be fine with no pain or discomfort. We should NOT just live with painful intercourse. If it lasts for more than the first month of trying, then you should seek help from a pelvic floor physical therapist for assessment and treatment. Please go to someone with lots of experience and who offers at least an hour session so you can get the best and fastest results. Don’t wait too long because the longer the pain is there, the longer it takes the pain to go away. When we can treat it early we can get rid of the pain much faster.

Q: What can she do to enjoy/improve her post-baby sex life?

A: If you aren’t dealing with any pain or discomfort, then Kegels can be a great exercise to maintain good pelvic floor tone, awareness, blood flow, and strength – which are all great to have to enjoy intercourse. You can also try doing your Kegels during intercourse, which can help with clitoral stimulation and improve sensation and the ability to climax. Foreplay is also great to get some of your natural lubrication stimulated, especially if you are finding that you have some vaginal dryness post baby.

And now, Dr. Meredith Hansen, Psy. D.:

Q: What are some of the emotional or mental hurdles a new mom should expect to experience regarding sex after baby?

A: When it comes to sex, a new mom may experience the following:

Feeling physically overstimulated by the end of a day spent holding and nursing baby, which can lead them to push their partner away.
If there is resentment in the marriage, poor communication, or a lack of connection, you will not desire physical intimacy.
Some couples stop having sex and stop talking about sex and in time it becomes more awkward to be physically close, so they just move into more of a friendship.
Priorities change, and the energy women do have is put into baby, leaving little time for sex and intimacy.

Q: What can she do to combat those hurdles and connect with her partner once again?

A: It is important for couples to take care of their relationship – get help from a professional if needed, schedule date nights, and keep the lines of communication open. Couples also need to keep their sex life “breathing”, meaning that even if they are not having sex or not having it as often, they should be talking about it. For example, saying something like, “I miss being close to you, I can’t wait to have more energy again,” is a way to keep your sex life alive even if the frequency has decreased. In time, circumstances will shift, and you’ll feel comfortable reconnecting physically again.

Q: What is “normal,” and what may indicate the need for 3rd party help aka seeking assistance from someone like you?

A: In the first few months after baby, it’s common for desire to dip and for preferences around sex to shift. Feeling anxious, needing more time, or wanting different things is all part of normal adjustment.

What may signal the need for extra support:

Growing resentment or distance in your marriage
Frequent arguments or avoidance instead of connection
Lack of desire from your partner
Struggles with postpartum depression, anxiety, or body image keeping you from intimacy

In these cases, couples or individual counseling can help. And honestly—it’s always better to check in with a professional than hope things improve on their own.

Sex after baby looks different for every woman. Some bounce back quickly, while others feel physically touched-out by day’s end. (I know that feeling well—after breastfeeding, snuggling, and carrying my daughter, my “touch tank” is maxed out.) What helps is conscious effort, open dialogue, and empathy between partners.

A few reminders:

Sex shouldn’t hurt after the first few times
Keep intimacy alive in small ways
Don’t be ashamed to reach out for support
Remember, this New Mom School village is here for you every step of the way

Now, closing the laptop to finally give my husband a little attention—before bed calls. 😉
—Melanie

A Deeper Dive into Postpartum Sexual Health

Building on the powerful and honest insights from Melanie and her experts, it’s clear that the conversation about sex after baby needs to be more than just a quick check-up note. It’s a complex blend of physical healing, hormonal shifts, and emotional recalibration. Here’s a deeper look at some of the key themes, with additional information to empower you on your journey.

The 6-Week Guideline: A Starting Point, Not an End Point

The medical recommendation to wait six weeks is a general safety measure, not a mandate. It allows your body to heal from major physical events like uterine involution and the closing of tears or incisions. However, it doesn’t account for the full picture.

Physiological Readiness: The return of a normal menstrual cycle signals a change in your hormones. If you’re breastfeeding, prolactin can keep estrogen levels low, leading to ongoing vaginal dryness and a decreased sex drive. This is completely normal and can be addressed with liberal use of a good lubricant.
Healing is Not Just Physical: The six-week mark doesn’t account for the emotional and psychological trauma that can accompany childbirth. Listening to your body, mind, and emotions is the true signal of readiness, not a date on a calendar.

The Role of the Pelvic Floor

As Melanie’s physical therapist expert noted, the pelvic floor is a critical factor in postpartum pain. But understanding its function is key.

Muscle Dysfunction: The pelvic floor muscles can become either too tight (hypertonic) or too weak (hypotonic) after childbirth. A hypertonic pelvic floor can be the direct cause of pain with penetration, as the muscles involuntarily clench. A hypotonic pelvic floor can lead to incontinence and a lack of sensation during sex.
The Power of Physical Therapy: A pelvic floor physical therapist (PT) is an invaluable resource. They are trained to assess the specific state of your pelvic floor and create a personalized plan. This may involve internal and external massage, relaxation techniques, or specific strengthening exercises. For some women, Kegels are the answer, but for many with a tight pelvic floor, they can make the pain worse. A PT will guide you on the right path.

Sex in the Context of a New Life

The emotional hurdles Dr. Hansen highlighted are a powerful reminder that sex isn’t just a physical act. After a baby, it’s intertwined with every aspect of your new life.

“Touched Out” and Overstimulated: This is a very real phenomenon. The constant physical demands of a newborn can leave a new mom feeling completely depleted of physical energy and touch. It’s crucial for couples to find other ways to connect physically, like cuddling, foot massages, or simply holding hands.
Beyond Intercourse: Intimacy isn’t limited to penetrative sex. Foreplay, oral sex, and mutual masturbation can all be meaningful ways to reconnect and build trust before you are physically and emotionally ready for intercourse.
The Importance of Communication: The best way to navigate these changes is with open and honest communication. Be vulnerable with your partner about your fears, pain, and lack of desire. This dialogue prevents resentment from building and helps you work as a team to find solutions.

When to Seek Professional Help

The blog correctly emphasizes that ongoing pain is not “normal.” If discomfort persists beyond a month of trying, or if you’re experiencing significant emotional distress, reach out for help.

For Physical Pain: A pelvic floor physical therapist can be a game-changer. Don’t “just live with it”—there are effective treatments available.
For Mental and Emotional Health: Postpartum depression and anxiety are serious conditions that can impact your sex life and your overall well-being. A therapist or counselor can help you navigate these feelings and develop coping strategies.

Your journey back to a fulfilling sex life after baby is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient, be kind to yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember, this is a new chapter in your life, and with a little effort and understanding, you can find a rhythm of intimacy that is just as rewarding as before.

Let’s Talk About Sex, (After) Baby