Happy June! I said it last month, but I will say it again! Where is the time flying to?!
This month, we will celebrate Father’s Day! For many of you this will be the first time you are celebrating your husband and their contributions to your new little family! When we chatted about Mother’s Day last month, I encouraged you to have open and honest conversations with your partner about your expectations for your day. And now that the tables have turned and it’s time to celebrate the dads in our lives, my advice is no different! Ask your partner how they want to be celebrated. Do they want to golf with friends for the day? Spend the day at the beach with the whole family? Have those conversations early so that your husband feels good about the day. This will also relieve the pressure you feel to deliver on making the day perfect, without really knowing what your partner wants.
I also want to address any feelings of upset, anger or frustration that you may be having with your partner, that could make it feel hard to celebrate them. Being a new parent is amazing, but also challenging – we can all attest to this. Just like you have felt a huge shift in your identity, so has your partner. And while you might be thinking, but Alex! Surely you know that I am the one doing all the heavy lifting over here (and, I do), I know that your partner’s inability to do many of the things you do day in and day out, (think: feed, soothe, put to sleep) can lead to feelings of inadequacy and confusion over their role in the family unit.
A recent study, completed in 2021 by Sarah Berman in Carol Long, suggests that men “do not perceive the journey into fatherhood as a seamless and obvious process; instead, they suggest that fathers struggle as they attempt to define their roles through their absence in the mother-child dyad, both before and after the child’s birth.” This research hypothesizes that men often perceive their paternal identities in terms of “non-motherhood,” or rather, “what they are not,” as opposed to what they are (Škvařil, V., & Presslerová, P, 2024).
So, all of this to reiterate – parenthood is hard. And just like there are parts that are really tough for you as a new mom, there are parts that are also really challenging for new dads. Try to keep that in mind if you are feeling discouraged by the way your partner is showing up as a dad. In all likelihood, they are really trying their best, but need some support. Also know that we have an entire class dedicated to the shift in your couple identity in our Newborn Class series, that will provide you with tools to support your relationship after welcoming your baby.
Always here in your corner, and wishing you a wonderful celebration of all the dads in your life this Father’s Day!
xx , Alex