In honor of so many of our past group members delivering their second babies, I thought I would translate what all those Facebook posts ACTUALLY say during the labor and delivery process! Keep in mind…this is while delivering your first baby. Enjoy!

The Evolution of Delivering a Baby on Facebook

Week 39

Facebook: Can’t wait to meet our bundle of joy! #39weeks (posted with a side view selfie of the tummy).

Translated: I am miserable, I have to pee every 10 seconds, I’m scared shitless to go through childbirth and people won’t stop telling me “sleep as much as you can!” If they only knew I got maybe 2 hours combined sleep last night. But once this baby is out of me it will be smooth sailing. I can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore.

Week 40

Facebook: It’s D day, yet baby doesn’t seem to be responding to my eviction notice! Hurry up sweet baby, mommy can’t wait to hold you. #40weeks #noticetoevict #cantwaittomeetyou 

Translation: I am REALLY miserable now. I didn’t think it could possibly get worse from last week but it has. I am never doing this again. But being a mommy is going to be the best thing EVER! 

In labor:

Facebook: Here we go! Wish me luck! Can’t wait to introduce you to our little miracle soon! #soontobefamilyofthree

Translation: I am so scared but all those birthing classes will help make this a breeze. I am going to do this totally naturally, no drugs necessary for this mama. This isn’t too bad. Wait…that birthing class did NOTHING for me. WTF?!?!?!?  How am I possibly going to squeeze this baby out of me? Who was I kidding thinking I could do this without drugs??? Give me drugs!!!

Day 1:

Facebook: Welcome to the world my sweet baby. Mommy and daddy love you so much. #blessed

Translation: My body is wrecked, I haven’t slept in 72 hours, I need pain killers to even move, why didn’t anyone tell me how hard going to the bathroom was going to be after birth?! My baby is so cute, I made a human but OMG this hurts. 

Day 2 (still in hospital):

Facebook: We are so in love! #familyofthree #neverknewicouldlovesomethingthismuch

Translation: The lactation consultant has been here 3 times already and baby won’t latch. The nurses have put the fear of god in me that my baby isn’t getting milk and will need formula. Isn’t formula poison? There must be something wrong with my baby AND me since babies are supposed to just latch right on and breastfeeding is supposed to be rainbows and unicorns. I haven’t slept in 4 days. My nipples are cracked and bleeding, I have no idea how to change a diaper or how I’m going to survive at home without these nurses. Can’t I just stay in the hospital forever?

Day 3

Facebook: Bringing our bundle of joy home! I can’t believe this little miracle is ours to keep. #blessed

Translation: Holy sh*t, what am I supposed to do with this thing when we get home? How am I going to get from the wheelchair to the car because I still can’t walk. I think I should sit in the back next to the baby. I am scared out of my mind. Husband please drive slowly. Is the baby still alive? Are they really letting us take this baby home by ourselves? I have no idea what I’m doing. My nether regions feel like they’ve been hit by an 18 wheeler and I am hallucinating I am so tired. I haven’t slept in 5 days. 

Day 4

Facebook: (Picture of sweet swaddled sleeping baby in adorable crib) Baby loves his crib! So in love. Can’t wait to watch you grow, sweet baby. #snugasabuginarug 

Translation: Why won’t baby sleep anywhere but on me?! What have we done? I think we made a mistake. This is miserable. Is there a return policy? My nipples feel like they’re going to fall off. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be like this? My baby hates the swaddle. What baby hates the swaddle?? Mine. When can the lactation consultant come back? I will never sleep again. Where are my pain-killers? Please someone bring me food. Please someone keep me company. I. Can’t. Stop. Crying. Is this what they meant by postpartum depression?